mental ramblings of a 31 year old "know it all"

Sometimes you feel like you just need to sit down and write... I usually do this in my journal, but then sometimes, just sometimes, maybe you also want to be heard? pffft.. that line just rolled off so smoothly, I am so hipster it hurts.

 31 years old... over 7 years in South Africa... and what has changed about me? I honestly would love to know - perhaps someone else can tell me? I feel exactly the same, but then so many elements of my life have changed so drastically, so how-the-hell can I be the same person? Has my mind changed? Do I think differently? Do I react differently to situations? and in the same breath - does any of that really matter?

For me, growing and learning, has always been the most important part of life. Filling my brain with knowledge and general understanding, has always been my goal. That doesn't necessary mean I want to be "smarter" or "more intelligent", more so that when I learn about something new/meet someone new - I want to know more and understand more about said "new". When I travel somewhere, I want to fill my brain with facts about that place, and make sure to go to all the important places so that I "know" and hopefully "understand" more about my surroundings.

This all being said, it's actually exhausting sometimes. I really wish, I could just turn off, and enjoy. Stop thinking about what each person is thinking in a room when I am around people, stop planning the next trip, googling, reading and prying. Just sit back and soak in the knowledge and understanding, without seeking. So what has changed about me? Probably nothing... but I am trying to be a more relaxed me - a less "know-it-all" version of me. I'm working on it. 


put in the picture

Just spent the last few moments reading my original blog that I wrote when I came to SA. I am disappointed that I haven't kept up with this one, because it is always so nice to go back and remember how you felt - what you were up to in the past, even if it can be a bit embarrassing as well. It's weird that no matter what age you are, you seem to think you are really mature? and that you have your life so sorted out...

We are off to Canada for a month next Friday. An entire month in my mother country, I can't even describe how excited I am. More details to follow - if I can get myself to blog more often!

my old blog - for interests sake: http://tlar.tumblr.com/


haruki murakami

Haruki Marakami is my favourite author. His books are always twisted and quirky - but also every so interesting and insightful. I wrote the below down in my journal years ago after reading Kafka on the Shore.

Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change directions but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm IS YOU. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so that the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step.
Once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. - Haruki Murakami


easter love

I come across things on the internet that I love and save them to my desktop and then completely forget where they originally came from. This image is one of those. I know the quote is by Sylvia Plath, but I have no idea who the artist is (sorry unknown artist).

Is there no way out of the mind? 

Had an epic weekend over Easter with a boatload of friends. Is there nothing better than laughing with people that you love and you know love you back? It really is just the most divine feeling. I felt on a bit of a high after it all. I needed it. I think we all need that sometimes - a little bit of extra love.


the beginning of something new

Ok, it's not as exciting as the title sounds... and perhaps its not really something that new either... this year my goal is to be healthy. Sounds ridiculous and simple right? I mean healthy in mind, body, and soul (cheesy I know). I want to be strong. Both mentally and physically. Been running a bit - I have already ran three short races this year. One being a 6km trail run, and two were 10km road races. I loved them and also forgot how competitive I actually am. Not competitive with other people per say (but probably that too), but more with myself.
This week we are off to Dusi again, for R. Let's not even talk about fitness when it comes to R, he has taken that to a whole new level in the past few years.


plugged in

Perhaps I feel I have nothing profound to say, or it could be that there are so many other ways to share what is going on with my life without having to get too deep ( ie instagram, facebook, twitter), that I have completely given up on this blog. Every now and then I think "Shit, I should write something", not for anyone else really - more for myself, because a blog acts somewhat like the new-age diary. A digital track of life. However, like Oscar Wilde said " The truth is rarely pure and never simple", so how can one possibly correctly record how they are feeling, or "the truth",  especially when they know that everyone will see/read it, including random "friends" from high school that you haven't seen in over 10 years? The digital age has somewhat transformed us into very "fake" people. I am not trying to sound negative, don't get me wrong, I love posting happy photos on instagram and seeing how many people "like" what they see and in a lot of ways, those photos are a good representation of my life as it is. Photos, however, only depict the happy side of life. People sit on their phones/computers/tablets and see all these happy photos and happy thoughts from people, motivational quotes about "going for a run" or "eating healthy", photos of people having a great time with a shitload of new friends and think that perhaps their life is not that great. Do these photos motivate them to have a better life, or does it make them feel forlorn? Is the grass always greener on the other side? I have recently started to do a bit of yoga, and I started following a bunch of "yogi's" on instagram - and on one side it motivates me to be better at yoga, and then some days I see photos and I think "shit, I will never be able to look like that, or do that". Has it stopped me from doing yoga? No. Has it made me unfollow a few people? Hells yes. I don't really know what the answer is, but R and I have both realised that we are far too "plugged in" and that when you step back a bit and experience this forgotten land called real life you feel a lot healthier and happier.
My goal this year is to spend more time enjoying life. See more friends, run/walk outside, read books and in general be more positive and happy. This isn't to say I won't be instagramming or updating my facebook, those things are so easy to do. I just want to make more of an effort to do the things that have become harder to do, like spending an evening in with R without looking at our phones.
So why am I blogging now? Who fucking knows, I felt like it.


My Heart

 What a year to say the least. To keep a really really really really long story short, I found out earlier this year that I had a significantly large atrial septal defect. For those of you who don't have a clue what that is or what that even means (this included me before April of this year), it is basically a hole in the heart that you are born with. A heart "defect" if you must.
 Since finding out about this special hole of mine, I have been back and forth between here and Canada to sort out how and where I was going to have surgery. In the end, I decided to have it here in Nelspruit. My parents took the 25 hour long journey here to hold my hand, while R and his family did their best to entertain them while I was incapable of doing so.
 My open heart surgery went perfectly. What an experience. I have never been admitted to hospital before, let alone had any sort of surgery, so it was a lot of firsts for me. The experience was not fun and there has been a lot of ups and downs, but everything was a lot easier than I had expected. Yesterday marked a month since my surgery, and I am finally getting back into a routine and starting my life "post op". I am still recuperating, but feeling really good and I am so grateful for how well the surgery and my recovery has been. Modern medicine is absolutely incredible and I have so many things to be thankful for this year.

Without getting too gushy and philosophical on everyone, I would just like to say my patched up heart loves you. Life is wonderful.



Growing up with an artist as a father has a few advantages. For one, my childhood included quite a bit of traveling in our hippie van across the continent to see art and experience life. More on that later, but another great advantage of having artistic parents, is growing up around their very talented friends. My dads closest friend John Blair is not only the kindest and most hilarious man I know, but also one of the most talented jewellery designers. Growing up (and still to this day, since I am a very spoiled special only child) my dad made sure to always do artist trades with John to score my mom and I some of the most beautiful jewellery around.

John finally has a website and I wanted to share with you some of my favourite pieces from the site on here, but you can check out the rest at www.johnblairdesign.com.

John Blair - Pendants

John Blair - Earrings

John Blair - Pendants

John Blair - Necklace

John Blair - Bracelet

John Blair - Ring

John Blair - Bangles

John Blair - Bracelet

John Blair - Pendants

This July I was also lucky enough to receive a very special ring, from a pretty great guy, to add to my collection. (p.s. I am engaged!)

All photos are from johnblairdesign.com and either taken by John Dean or Ric Kokotovich
You can purchase John's work at Rubaiyat in Calgary & Michael Dean in Granvile Island.